if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
