Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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