My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
me + whiskey = a bad person
Everyone says I win the strip club
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i think i just lost a toe
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