I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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