Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
