I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
