I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
