Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
