he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I supernannyed him into submission
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
