i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
