i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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