I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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