i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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