My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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