I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Please don't give away my fajitas
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
