I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize