I met the friendliest cop last night
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
