Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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