i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
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He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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