I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
