You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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