So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
