i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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