he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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