batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
