When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
