The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
