I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
we're so committed to being not committed
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
