just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You can't motorboat a personality
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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