me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
