My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
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Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
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Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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