I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
barbara walters just said penis...
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
