whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Green mimosas i think yes
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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