do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
