I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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