I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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