I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
