it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
