2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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