is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
