he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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