no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
