Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
