are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
