we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
