Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
