if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
