i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
