i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
