I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
