Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes