so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.