i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
