help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
