if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
