:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
