not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
