I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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