my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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